What would I be rid of if I were to do ceremony? I feel balanced and well for the most part. Yet I know there is always improvement to be had and always more life to be lived. Within is simpler than without since the world reaches to us with loving shackles in hand. The world binds us to proving we exist every moment while Spirit accepts that we do for its perception isn’t given to the shape-shifting that reality accuses us of. The world runs a credit check, demands twice the payment up front and still runs a criminal check.
Reality doesn’t trust us one whit: to do what is right, to have what is our own to possess, to bring to the world what we might owe and take in return what is our own to have. The world is just as likely to hold out a hand, form it into a fist and extend that index finger to point us out. While we seek acceptance, that finger separates us with accusation, shows us the exit strategy we aren’t yet ready to think about since we really just got here. That finger singles us out of the milling crowd within which we were hiding.
I wasn’t hiding in order to be unnoticed or passed over or because I do not handle accusation well. I was hiding because this is my private experience and unless I share willingly, I won’t share at all. I was hiding because I don’t agree with everyone else’s ideas about the world. I was hiding because since I so disagree, this is what the world shows me all the time. So many anomalies exist…
Do I wish to blend in so much? Do I wish to “baaa” my way through with all who feel safer as sheep? If they didn’t feel safer, would they stand up to stand out? In many ways I do not care what others think and I find their thoughts illogical or unprincipled or offensive. A man shares the sexual proclivities of his wife on his t-shirt – or is that something I’m reading in? (“Bearded for my wife’s pleasure” his shirt says as he cuts through a crowd of men/women/children at a parade.) Do I want to know that? Does she wish that advertised on his chest? Another woman I met tells me she owns guns to keep herself safe, a shotgun and a pistol but her derringer was stolen. I ask her how long she’s used guns. “Oh, I never took a class or anything, I just own them and if anyone tries to get into my house, I’ll shoot.” I find that irresponsible in the extreme – owning a weapon is to take responsibility for the destruction it might cause whether in self-defense or decoration. And who’s got the derringer? I once turned down a better-paying job at a gun shop: didn’t want the karma.
“Just follow the procedure I’m setting up.” So I turn in the request and two weeks later have to ask verbally whether my request will be honored. I am not sure what they think when a system is set up and the organizer is the first to pass it by…isn’t the logical sequence of writing down a request that it can be conveniently replied to?
I don’t expect others to see my invisible soul. I do expect them to honor the fact that I have one. If they do not acknowledge my soul’s existence, I am not excused from honoring theirs. I think it a given. I have been wrong before, though, and perhaps that is what they feel. Perhaps if they do not acknowledge my soul it means they lack one so no exchange is to be had and I need to rejoin the herd to make myself invisible from them.
Who would dare forgive me when I cannot see my own sins? Only those informed by Spirit, right? But they have no permission to act on their visions since seeing with Spirit is to forgive.
So I live in uneasy balance between my good and bad sides. I shake my head when I feel the helmet of judgment clamping on, closing off my vision, shutting down my “soulular” (cellular) reactions in favor of human finger-pointing. I take the option to look away when I can, from the mysterious t-shirt to the all-important procedure blatantly ignored. I might find the derringer myself when I sit on her couch one afternoon. A balance must be struck, indeed. But it is easier for me to find my way keeping my head down and being happy than sticking my neck out and feeling at risk. Does this make sense? Because I’m not sure it does. This is what happens when vague feelings write their way out into the open. This came from the question of what would result in surrendering myself to ceremony…wondering what I need to release. Maybe it is the answer as well.