July Crisps Up

This day begins!

Tho I don’t feel that exclamation point – I don’t feel like much other than sitting still with this computer on my lap, typing my thoughts.

I am enamored with beginnings, always loved ’em. I am reading a novel & the hero has just related how he came to be where he stood: in front of the Elf-King & Queen, in their Hall of Meeting. The line catching me is, “the act of confession left him both weightless, and ready for whatever came next.” That’s how I feel this morning: mentally weightless & ready for that which will come next.

I have not had other than a Saturday off for eight months. There have been tasks & work every day except Saturday, & that day I do my own tasks & chores. I have claimed a day like a prize, a blue-ribbon-Monday. I hold it aloft like the gift it is for me: a space where nothing is owed, claimed, rewound or expected. This day will nourish me for the next eight months … I love what I do & claim much sustenance from that. A change is always a time to regroup & refigure, replenish, re-form & re-place.

I have gone from good wife to divorcée times three. I have lived on the beach & in mountains. I have traveled far in miles both mental & physical. I am arrived here, now, to this place where “whatever comes next” may take place.

I am no longer a healer tho I considered myself one for years & greatly prided on those rising from my massage table refreshed & relaxed. I am a fortunate individual with the ability for deep thought & thoughtful leadership. These only seem secondary to the simply practical tasks I accomplish. They take the fore by necessity & because this is who I am. But I no longer wade into battle flourishing a sword. I suggest & I prod. I push & I allow. And when it is time, I establish my way whether it agrees with others or not. Most of the time,  however, I simply choose what will work for me & slip that into the mix.

I don’t rail against fate or circumstance, an automatic lightener. I do what I can & allow another breath to let me go where I feel I need to be. Others can shake heads at my behaviors. Once I’ve taken action, I don’t look back. Why would I? I will deal with consequences of others’ reactions soon enough. Might as well look forward & walk on.

I had so many ideas when I was young & they lasted long enough to shape my life into that which it is. It is never too far away, this Change. It is a constant current in all I do, all I produce, all I am. It is a ready flavor & a faraway perfume of enticement. I ride the suspense of its being with no expectations. I wait for endings without rushing in to make the save. I owe & I go for paying debts is important. I offer & am both advantaged & taken advantage of in the act.

I know what it is like to carry the baby both internally & externally. Now I lay it all down & I wait.

The world could go either way: its ascent or descent is not mine to predict nor to perhaps even share. I have no strong feelings over staying or going. Heaven may claim me at any time, leaving a dog-eared ticket with the last number scratched off.

I may be the occasional thought passing over someone’s mind, “I knew Carol, she was so ______.” Whatever fills in the blank will be of no import to the Carol-Now.

I slept last night for eleven hours. I feel the need to sleep again. ,

Since November, Saturday, Next, Idea, Healer, Chore-meister, Member, Independent, Master, Minister, Memory.