Lament

Today I thought again how much I miss saying, “I love you.” I say it to nothing, to no one. Sometimes alone is all there is but who wants to go there … live there? I am an orphan by circumstance & alone b/c I can’t love myself enough to let others partake. It was not always like this but I opted for justification, not extension.

I turn on the Radio Lottery to see what’s being sung to me. “Not a puppet on a string.” All those simple lyrics from a less fraught time now seem so appealing. I once felt every song I heard is God singing to me. I still feel that. It started with ‘If You’re Still Within the Sound of My Voice’ by Linda Rondstadt.

I heard this one day & realized God was singing to me. That my life was music & there was always a song to tell my story. It was something in the song, something about a train calling from faraway that put the thought in mind. But to love you until I no longer have a will.

I realize all that’s wanted from me is this love I have so much trouble giving & receiving. I tell people I’m really mean on the bottom, underneath the nice. People scoff. Do I know a truth they do not? Yes. I am less than worthy. I am unjustified.

But I get things done, so I’m worthwhile.