The Point(s) of No Return

While it used to mean just beyond the halfway, where there was not enough fuel to return to origination, this means something different to me now. It means the place at which I realize my excitement is unwarranted, my low feelings undeserved. Life keeps offering & I keep sorting thru, muttering over the offers.

I really do keep trying. Sometimes my brain runs out of ideas; I put it back dry – like replacing an empty water bottle into fridge. I get tired of thinking. Other people’s ideas are tiresome as they are offered every time I venture an opinion. A comment on a topic brings back four ways I “could have / should have” resolved the situation. But these are not my solutions & if I didn’t think of them, what good does it to know now? Most of the time, they are not things I can do or get done anyway. Um, why do I pay attention? Well, the offerer is standing in front of me, so how can I get out of it? I smile tightly & am learning to say, well, that’s a good idea instead of screaming. Progress of a sort, yeh?

I have yet to meet someone who just “allows” a thought without return so I often do that, just back away from a statement with a therapeutic “hmmmmm” or a nod of agreement but the not saying something I feel is appreciated. Just shutting up is appreciated. My solution wouldn’t have worked for the sufferer anyway. If I offer, I make it a question, “Well, would it work to …” which is immediately & roundly slammed into the trashbin with their denial cuz they have no qualms about hitting my ideas back over the plate at my face. Isn’t it a funny world?

The learning comes when I can set the comments aside with no reaction, no personal uptake, no denial… I did what I did, it likely cannot be undone. I am allowed to comment without their version of something better being offered. All to be done is live with results or modify them as possible. No comments needed. I have learned to mostly not say anything, realizing everything I say is subject to another’s ideas, insistence, workarounds…

When I say my area of work – I work in a lobby rather than an office – is hugely interrupted every day, someone says, go work at so & so’s desk. I can’t leave my desk unattended – it’s in the lobby. The suggested desk is occupied already for one thing & in an area I don’t care to work in. Next comment is to “just get a volunteer to help.” If we had one of those to put at my desk, I might could find another spot but this is moot as we have no office vols to step in & answer phones, etc. And there’s this learning curve – sharply angled & not always smooth … everyone piles off the cliff sooner or later. I rather like avoiding that lemminglike rush.

I once wrote I couldn’t get out of my own damned way. It still applies. But I do try for the blessing in it now. I ignore suggestions while overtly agreeing cuz they are not doable in the moment. The ‘suggestor’ feels heard & appreciated. I settle my gut from the return argument I’d otherwise offer if not on best behavior. I shed the feeling I was inadequate for not resolving to perfection. In other words, I resettle into my imperfection of humanity & shut up.