If the Buck Stops Here: Make Change

Having a mixed-up, shook-up day. Feeling stupid & poor & jealous & all the emotions I dislike the most in myself. I’m doing a cleanse & I thought it was physical or would be so, but it seems to be emotional & spiritual instead.

The good thing is some new thoughts are coming in. One that I had in church today listening to all the platitudes about Father’s Day was that I could simply let go of all the really old, grotty resentment of my dad about his fencing me so fully from his life – so wide I can’t get around it, so tall I can’t get over it – you know the song.

This is quite disturbing & I’m sure it will be liberating when it roots around & finds its soil to grow. It is, after all, a New Thought & you know by now how much I look forward to these.

My dad. Got to see him once a year & sometimes twice in the same year. Once he bought me boat shoes, stylish little slip-ons which, with a Buster Brown Enforcer of a Mom, was just the bee’s knees for my cross-eyed, pickety self. And actually, that’s my only memory of him. Nothing else is in the vault.

I know he was a Libra like me. I know he liked his beer with the guys after work (he painted the huge fuel storage tanks for Sun Oil before it became Sunoco.) It’s purported he had an affair with the town bad girl which forced Mom to divorce him & move as far as the taxi would take her & the kids. Since that was to the beaches of New Jersey, it made for an enviable childhood which did not seem that way while I lived it.

Oh yes, he bought me my Bike. I called it Blue Boy & it was a 36″ high bike while I was a 30″ high kid so that made for some interesting perspectives & a lot of time sailing up & down the boardwalk. My lonesome habits continue to this day, tho not the biking part.

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this. Just been a emotional coaster of a day for me & I’m where I am, digging out but the walls keep caving back in.

Ok. Later on it’ll be tomorrow & everything will change.