The State of Carol B

So, I heard an acquaintance now has a gentleman friend. Hell, what are boyfriends even called at our age? There should be a designation, some kind of species nomenclature, a Latin genus or specie name… ‘Widower’? That implies a lot, but so does ‘lover’, ‘boyfriend’, ‘gentleman caller’ – Or maybe I should just say, ‘She met a guy.’

I puzzle on this, as I do on many things. I often end these puzzlings with musing “but no one’s interested in me”, when the apt truth is I live like a hermit crab & sociability has become harder to prise into. If someone presented as being interested in me, would I even know how to react?

Somehow I doubt I am that original individual who can figure out the male/female conundrum – I’m as fixated in my ways as any oppositely sexed individual. Which name is unfortunate, implying oppositional or uncomplementary to. In heaven’s name, why would I want to be THAT to a companion on my life path? Opposition implies a clash & non-agreement & tension lining the fringes.

I have known relationships of legend, where male/female remained united for years. But only by reputation after all, not by experience. I have frequently said my car loans lasted longer than my marriages.

Perhaps one answer to that query “why not me?” is that pesky word “never.” As in never met the guy, never thought enough of belonging with someone else, etc. I could go on but everyone over 6-1/2 already knows the drill.

I have many attractions to engage another. These have been thorougly reviewed in the 375 other posts on this blog.

I don’t dare say what I’m saying here, but the truth is so darn changeable. I have trouble getting hold of only one capital T truth before it morphs in shape & meaning. Truth exists in one hundred states besides air, water, solid. Somewhere I crossed over from the ifs, the maybes & the coulds into the nevers without really meaning to. It became a continental drift which has taken me decades to recognize, let alone plan on reordering.

In this moment, this iteration of me, I’m unsure how a change becomes a focus or even a consideration as it’s not been in the “I’ll think about it tomorrow” bag under the bed I dream upon.

I do love romance, thoughtfulness, caring relationships. I mist up at couples holding hands, especially when their other hand is clutching a cane. I thrill at the “falling-in [L-word] part, awakening to potential & joining & finding that piece of puzzle which I thought to be only my shadow.

It remains an unexplored universe for me & I don’t consider time travel too outre’. I like my self pretty much now; it’s taken a long time to do so.

There may come another who will love me & invite/allow me to love back as best I can. Wouldn’t that be a joy & such fun & a blessing in manifestation!?

I have no idea how to prepare for such an event, however. Or how to accept it, or how to make room for this possibility. But love wouldn’t concerned with my dancing around on the topic, right?

If circumstance brings about this benediction, I accept the blessing & keep the balance. So much of my life has been a surprise party, what’s one more guest at the table? One more candle on the cake?