While it used to mean just beyond the halfway, where there was not enough fuel to return to origination, this means something different to me now. It means the place at which I realize my excitement is unwarranted, my low feelings undeserved. Life keeps offering & I keep sorting thru, muttering over the offers.

I really do keep trying. Sometimes my brain runs out of ideas; I put it back dry – like replacing an empty water bottle into fridge. I get tired of thinking. Other people’s ideas are tiresome as they are offered every time I venture an opinion. A comment on a topic brings back four ways I “could have / should have” resolved the situation. But these are not my solutions & if I didn’t think of them, what good does it to know now? Most of the time, they are not things I can do or get done anyway. Um, why do I pay attention? Well, the offerer is standing in front of me, so how can I get out of it? I smile tightly & am learning to say, well, that’s a good idea instead of screaming. Progress of a sort, yeh?

I have yet to meet someone who just “allows” a thought without return so I often do that, just back away from a statement with a therapeutic “hmmmmm” or a nod of agreement but the not saying something I feel is appreciated. Just shutting up is appreciated. My solution wouldn’t have worked for the sufferer anyway. If I offer, I make it a question, “Well, would it work to …” which is immediately & roundly slammed into the trashbin with their denial cuz they have no qualms about hitting my ideas back over the plate at my face. Isn’t it a funny world?

The learning comes when I can set the comments aside with no reaction, no personal uptake, no denial… I did what I did, it likely cannot be undone. I am allowed to comment without their version of something better being offered. All to be done is live with results or modify them as possible. No comments needed. I have learned to mostly not say anything, realizing everything I say is subject to another’s ideas, insistence, workarounds…

When I say my area of work – I work in a lobby rather than an office – is hugely interrupted every day, someone says, go work at so & so’s desk. I can’t leave my desk unattended – it’s in the lobby. The suggested desk is occupied already for one thing & in an area I don’t care to work in. Next comment is to “just get a volunteer to help.” If we had one of those to put at my desk, I might could find another spot but this is moot as we have no office vols to step in & answer phones, etc. And there’s this learning curve – sharply angled & not always smooth … everyone piles off the cliff sooner or later. I rather like avoiding that lemminglike rush.

I once wrote I couldn’t get out of my own damned way. It still applies. But I do try for the blessing in it now. I ignore suggestions while overtly agreeing cuz they are not doable in the moment. The ‘suggestor’ feels heard & appreciated. I settle my gut from the return argument I’d otherwise offer if not on best behavior. I shed the feeling I was inadequate for not resolving to perfection. In other words, I resettle into my imperfection of humanity & shut up.

Working for a church is still fraught with all the drama of the corporate world … all the water-cooler whispering swells & swirls & travels through the walls. I’ll say it’s nothing like I pictured the job would be…I should have known from the churches I’ve joined before it’s kind of a hotbed. It’s a political organization just like so many others – just the intent is other – as the end result should also be. Just like a corporate body, it has a Gemini quality: one face out, one face in. A church is the most human of places.

I declared I would not do the FB page by pleading conscientious objector to the program. I told the minister I’m as likely to organize & promote a FB page as she is to celebrate High Mass. I will never understand this non-privacy trend (in my mother’s house it was known as “airing dirty laundry.”) But mirror/mirror: I’m writing this on a blog I’ve made public. I put my stuff out deliberately & after thought, hopeful of the idea sharing will help us all. So, I’m doing just what I’m railing on about. Mirrors are great engines of balance.

Loss of privacy can be loss of freedom. If ‘they’ declare hamburgers illegal – as they’ve declared chicken with genocidal poultry slaughters lately – they will make the law retroactive & come after you for every bun crust in the picture of your plate. Americans are so slow to wake up. And that’s my deal: I simmer a lot about this stuff & perhaps that is what is exhausting me. But I keep track: I remember: I write it down!

It strikes me funny too, how people decide you’re an ally with just an acknowledgement. An um-hm can beget another level of deeper personal objection about the topic (read ‘the descent into rant’ ) … Um, I”m only saying I see your point, not that I agree! But arguing the point is argument, yeh? No one does classical argument anymore – debate team style argument. It all goes off-topic, personal & into feelings way fast. They whip out a gun or a Ka-Bar & make short work of individuality. Whoever said “life is funny” needed to be more specific.

I do try to shut up about a lot – go to my inner room & admire the view. For some, power is that masturbatory pleasure where they revved on the punchline without realizing its punch. It’s all in the momentary delivery of the line, not the long-lasting effects of having said whatever. But somewhere, someone is writing it down, I godamguarantee it. My generation sucked it up while it’s more fashionable now to blow it out there for all. That’s Just Different. For me, at times it’s incomprehensible. And I like to complain as much as all – but am conscious of it & consciously bite back stuff. It’s a moral exercise & it isn’t easy! When stuff goes beyond its expiration date, someone needs to let the ones not noticing that know. At those times, I need to shut up, sit down, whistle Dixie, twiddle me thumbs … 

Basta! Enough! Please consider this commentary, not negativity. I sure do understand the appeal of living on a mountaintop & going commando under the robes. What’s the point? If I’m all this “spirit in a meatsuit” I must have had a reason to incarnate. I put my trust in I wanted to be human & go through/get through all this. It’s actually my definition of funny. I’m lining up with the one who said “one day at a time” a lot more cuz it all can get tiring & tiresome at the same time it exalts.

The point is sharing life. I write it up!

Whilst being on Earth seems to be full of random occurrences it is in fact well-organised … ~ Mike Quinsey’s Higher Self

I love to read channeled messages from familiar names. Each entity or set of entities has a signature – I know one from another when I see the reading. Are these Imaginary Friends? No more so than those with famous sayings.

I know these channels & the wisdom of their perspectives have been Alchemical Friends for me.

If I am thinking up what I do next & if that thought becomes familiar, in fact “a familiar” it accompanies my day. (Some thoughts should be like sticky notes – put them up where they catch the eye. But these cannot be all you see.) When the roads disappear, we tend to create them if our thrust is to move forward. The old, the past, becomes a rear-view & less than a nanosecond in our real-time of Now. Why have it stick to you? You are new each moment.

Now is the eternity of all worlds & the reason behind them. ~ Carol of Sarasota

I feel myself coming back into balance after a kind of mad-time, a fey time, a time where thinking did not get so far as action. I was a pendulum in a well.

I went for an acupuncture treatment on my First Day Off in months. “My fire element is out of control,” I said, “I spend all day at top ratchet, moving physically around the church & always at top speed mentally, 100 mph. I need to calm myself down for all else to.”

She put me in needles, a dark room, strange music with deep tones. I drifted away, kinda beta, kinda aware as you are in a different place. Then there was a deep nothing as energy redirected itself, taking mental offline for a few. I felt safe.

I am now less reactive which was a specific reaction I am looking to calm. I was too quick to emotions of all kinds & tending to defensiveness & anger. (It was hard to write that word; but I have been too quick to anger as a go-to. It gets me through the situation, however, it is a lower reaction on the Abraham Hicks Scale.)

I needed this treatment – grounded in thousands of years of tradition yet new as energy itself.

First Friday off in over a year was good to me. There is so much to experiencing nothingness when it brings on everything in its wake. My shoulders are down for the first time in a very long one.

So you see life is not really as complicated as you may think and if anything it is human beings who make it so. ~ Mike Quinsey’s Higher Self

Bring Out Your Dead

 I need to love

To love myself no matter what my shape or where my stars

I love myself openly, unabashedly, I laugh out loud

I enjoy my life right now

I have found the elusive moment & somehow can

Catch it once in awhile

Ride it woo hoo!

I can return it & say thank you

I need another life –

You can have this one back.

I thought it my forever job – the one where

All the people just pour thru the door

They ask questions, they leave stuff behind

I don’t guard it unless I know them –

I just put it in the lostnfound.

The weeks roll by like spokes in the wheeling month

My bespoke time of excited change

All deflated – the balloon already cut up

Shreds gathered into cans.

No communication. I holler down the well

It echoes back – “Nothing new here either!”

Cutting loose busily, tongue caught

In the corner of my mouth

I saw away. Thought these were better scissors!

But it doesn’t matter. The right is coming toward me.

The movement into light & love is just before me

I am free from hindrance or unlove.

I do this because I love you enough to let you go

With a blessing instead of a kick.

You want to pick it apart,

Figure out my life & what I do you want so much.

You want my job? Here you are. You have it!

I’ll find my way without it for a bit.

Oh, good luck. I had my own kinda logic

But it’s like my handwriting; nobody but me understands.

You can’ understand how far ‘in’ is

When I say you’re in for it.

Time moves too fast along the things we want – the

Shoreline changes & we enjoy a moment.

The Doldrums hit, time slows down, the clock-hands

Take forever for one rotation.

We are dizzy with how it starts to smell rotten.

This is a familiar pattern: I ride it well

Accustomed to the ups & downs

I tell myself I like it – & in a way, I do.

I find my boundaries again, my spark returns

I start something new, that wants me to be around.

This where I am is judgmental: exactly what it is not to be.

But I hang onto the thorns until I cut myself down.

Let the wind in –

Let it curl my hair & offer me that breath which is proof of life.

Let there be a bit of woodsmoke on it to sing in my nostrils,

Let my ego drop away

Begone

For just an eager minute.

Let me turn into the next me, wrap that around

My chill at growing

My reluctance to leave the warm nest

Where all I do to be fed is open my mouth & call.

Isn’t the wind a wonder?

I am emptying my head as fast as I can,

Emptying it of this reality: these thoughts

I am mounting motors I know not how to use: Dreams

The hot-air balloons of flying away …

I take no direction

I simply take off

Alongside the wind.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

I once taught these things,

These rusted lessons I found in the damnedest place,

But who wants to learn these?

What matters is I took the topic & turned it into a way to serve others

A knowledge of unremembered interest

In a library class.

That was a lifetime ago – that was in Maryland.

That was jobs ago, a career moved behind me now.

Half sticking out of the shadow bag, catching on things.

I will teach again, for that is what I do; I have a lot to say

That would interest some to know.

Time occludes my life when it only occurs in one dimension.

I grow in so many.

 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Before I go under…I am worn the next day

But I birthed the poem.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Poems come on the edges of sleep, riding that tide I thought

To lift me from the beach.

I am removed, outside mine own reality.

Just beyond that I thought truth to be.

Only that thought washed up & curling in the glistening sand

I must go look; I cannot let it wash to sea, it is mine

I claim it: I own it: I remember it. Be warned:

I fight for that which is mine & if you claim this errant thought,

I will snatch it back.

But you are busy with your own beaches & deserts & skies

I leave  you to your tides, your errant ways, your tickets to ride.

 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

I am emptying the trap of dreams

I am replacing the bald facts

Laid on calendar & table

With these ideas, this ephemera, this eponymous

Rainfall, each drop begetting its own growth.

The dreams clatter out on the counter:

Some scuttle away on more than four legs

Others land, heavy, solid, well-thought-out

But no longer fitting, become animé to my

Artfully drawn Reality.

I mark their fall with crayon, the outline subject to rain-erasure

But not my fault dreams change on the morning.

 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

It isn’t easy to talk about the future of Mankind

We could go either way; any way; the other way

That one the women are always whispering about:

World Peace.

Whoa, whoa, I know what you’re saying here

You’re putting your hope in the backpack for the Warrior

While your dream curls up in the basket of the Mother,

Its full lips reaching, trembling with love.

There is no other way:

The fight for life begins when

you put up your own.

 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =