2 a.m. Thoughts
I am words melting from the pen
A soul setting out upon journey alone again
Watching for sinkholes in this new present
& tsunamis in this new future
On a horizon that quivers with change.
Life can be a lethal dose of hurt
Delivered to internal organs
Like the heart & liver
Like the lungs & sinus cavities
Like my wobbling brain you label “stupid”
You, someone I thought had my back
& a blanket of forgiveness to wrap around me
When I’m dragged from the floodwaters
I didn’t answer the open-ended question rightly
“Do you know about the base?” she asked…
Well, I know where it is & some of what it purveys
In its deathly business-as-usual way…
But I didn’t have her answer. Nor wish to take up
Her standard of battle.
I didn’t remember a name out of context
So a blade of Damascus steel I’d not time
To parry was thrust into emotional vitals…
In aid of what? Why can there be no slack
Among old friends? Why does my perfection
Or its lack matter so much you must pull it from
The pole I had such a time erecting?
Does it serve you to trample it in front of me?
In your knowing, holy way…the priestess of
Right, the princess of who you think I should be.
I have held back so much from you of
Your perceived imperfections, in feeling
These thoughts would serve no purpose
But to wound.
Your definitions have no such compunction,
Eroding into attack, I must so deserve
For all I cannot do rightly.
You say to guard my inner child as you
Push her into an exposure beyond deserving.
What did I do to you?
I know. I know. I’m trusting in an almost comic way,
Like Peanuts trusts Lucy to hold the ball.
I sink for the third time as you remonstrate with
Me, while clutching the life ring, “You should have learned to swim
before you fell overboard!”
It’s ok. My heart has been renewed before.
It’s just an unexpected wound & hard to treat
With my limited edition first aid kit. Attack from
Any quarter can be unexpected, but this one caught me blind.
I wipe the raveled sleeve of care across my face
And tuck it under my head to sleep.
I wake from my own sighs,
To find life lost & love ground into
Such fine dust, I have no way in this moment
To render it to life.