Of Ruins & Resurrections


 My angels wring no hands together…

No palms clasp in prayer, no eyes downcast,

My angels do not wear robes of saffron & rainbow

Or tilt their heads, listening to prayers

My angels are bare-breasted,

Afire, ululating atop mountains

My angels are ridge runners

Light-footed & glowing.

My angels are powerful,

They carry spears.

They have no time for the puny wants of men

The small prayers of old women…

They carry orders from God!

They drive us on with buffeting wings

Like northern winds, they bite & tear our only flesh

With unholy voices they demand & command that we also

Become angels, they

Cry out to us in terrible thunder, rumbling

“Get there & do this & DON’T YOU DARE GIVE UP!”

Don’t you even THINK about that

I am behind you, these are my teeth & claws,

Don’t you dare but that you dare all for love!



I do not go gently into this dark night

I plant my feet & my hands against the doorframe

& I scream for the devils of hell to surround me

To give me strength to fight!

Even though the angels have not yet given up on me

I need the kind of raw power used when devil fights devil

I need the kind of atomic strength

And nuclear decision-making ability

That blows apart unaltering planets &

the worlds where small-minded people dwell

for this is not me,

I am Eternal Survivor,

I am the basket weave trunk of the royal palm

Dancing in the Category Five hurricane of now.


The morning breaks open

Like a dozen eggs dropped on the floor

As my conjurings arise from their yolky mess

Of raw & yellow ooze,

I will derive a sunshine of words such as has never lived before,

From ruin to resurrection,

Back to the light from which my soul began.

I know now I did not arrive on a sunny day,

Sequestered in a sweaty room while my mother dreamed of the beach,

I rode in on a storm that breathed darkness

Into blankets of rain

Shadows threatening all alive.

I know this, how?

Storms create days that enliven my soul

I speak poetry as though reciting nursery rhymes

Every stick a sign, a message,

Every hope a dream of worlds

Daring to be spoken aloud.


I walked to the beach to cast myself upon the water:

A crust of bread for fishes to devour

For gulls to scrap over

For salt to consume.

I walked to the water & I walked in

And the water spoke thusly:

Get out of here, leave me now!

I am not your sin-eater,

You have nothing to do with me

You are here to partake of me as friend? Lover? Confidante?

A sequestered cloud upon which you walk at will?

I wish none of your molecules dissolved in me,

I want no DNA from you, no “sharing”

None of your mud-thoughts to cloud my pure waters


I want none of your shit-ass perspicacity

I am pure, as you were before you took all this upon yourself

& decided to carry it as a life.


Now, if you want to come in here, get clean

Go out & fix up the world,

That’s a diff’rent story:

Then I’m all yours, Baby.

Enter at will.


I don’t know anyone else will ever hear these as I’ve said them

I do know that when they went through me

They were filings roughening a smooth surface

Acid drippings across my soul, ripping shreds of my life to raw,

Rendering me impossible to live with

Untenable to remain with

Beautiful only in the way of a volcano is…

Lava scraping away a mountain is…

In a way all terrible & delicate & tender, a rendering to ash.

I know I will never be forgotten for the world herself has heard these words

I’ve cried them all aloud today, bowing to the rain

I watched her take them in, smeared across her face,

like runnels of tears, a striped tattoo

Or the scars of strip-mining

And I knew these words were never mine,

Nor belonged to me,

But only sliding across the furrows of my brain

To elide from my face, finding their way

A blind man headed downhill

Surrounded by mischievous goats.

They were only a blessing for I could not bring them to be a curse

To use these to destroy would implode the world.

would destroy civilization

But then, we have never been civilized to our memories…

(For Christ’s sake, we have not ever had civilization

Tho we pretended, pulling & tugging on just the one string

Till the whole thing unraveled

As we hung onto each other’s throats

Ignoring the scrape & itch of the hunting knife

Sliding between our ribs.)

We have always shaved our dreams to blood

Too closely down, pushing into places they should never go

Where others come upon them unaware

& leaning in to see them, all are burned.


My broken halo is scattered at my feet.

I tore it off my head this morning, I stomped it but good

I will no longer be the representative of God’s grace

Having turned into her most terrible wrath

In a day when my beauty no longer sustains who I am

My face a roadmap to new lands & languages,

When my breasts stand no more, but flat

Against my chest like twin sacks of rice

I know that I am old. I have accepted this

Because old is only on the surface, never reaching the inside

Where the bright of me lives

And the soul of me dwells

And the answers to every question I ever asked

Glow like sparks in a fire of my own making.

I will not give up.

 I will always be here, doing this

And I will have done forever.

As You bring me forth each day,

Awakening again to earth,

It will be to dwell in the past I have created,

Through the future I have not.

I am a ravine down a sharp shale hill

You can ride me to the bottom – woohoo!

Or you can scale me to the heights – Aha!

So here you are, God, here y’are,

I don’t want it anymore!

Just can’t handle it.

Just don’t want it.

Here’s the soul – take it back

Do whatever You want with it.

I don’t care

Give it away, bury it

Stick it with the stars & make it shine

I really don’t care.

The life you gave me

Has been too beautiful for words

And the life I claimed to live

Has at times not lived up to this

And the world around me that was fine

Has turned to bargains in thriftshop windows.

But you know I wore them out my own damned self.

I put them there,

Here you go, God. I am but Your face in this world…

I have moved oceans & torn down heavens,

I have grown trees & plowed meadows,

Digging up Your holiness & scattering it about

For others to find.

I’m done now.

I’m done.

(To be blinded with blessing is not the worst of a life

It is a one more in a world of one mores.)


For the price of a tank of gas, America lives

Lives in its cars & campers & broke-down trailers

Still now, with not a round tire among them.

And who has done this to us?

What heinous crimes are committed against us

That we are washed up on our glorious beaches?

Bent & twisted, medically unsound, mentally unfit

From wars not of our making

From meds not of our shaping

Whitened by the salt of our tears

Twisted by fear & lack…

How do we overcome this?

O come, God! Bring us into our living aloft as angels.

We will bend the light no more, pour it out upon us as love!


Guardians of My Galaxy

A morning letter & reply…to my guardian angel. “He” got some good lines in, I think!

Dear R,  Good Godly morning. Are you enjoying our Great Life Adventure these days?

Oh yes indeed, beloved, believing Carol. Indeed – actually, in word & deed – we all enact the script written long ago in joyous planning. All your Team is present for the ending, this ending – as we were for the first stages.

We watched you step forward towards into this darkness, laughing & singing & waving ‘buh-bye’ at us from the beach. We smoothed the parts of the path you could not see, as blank-slating erased us from  your active consciousness. We watched the forgetting happen as you were born. You walked into the Void, as all-encompassing as the sea & you have been surfacing ever since.

We filled your pockets with grace, little Way-Shower! We blessed your freshwater canteen. We warned off the fish which would have devoured you, even as we picked off the seaweed tangled in your hair. We created warmer currents to “steer you by.” We weren’t anxious, tho more than once, we all held hands to send you strength if you faltered or turned blindly about wishing a way out.

We knew how precious your life would become to others. We smiled when you were surprised by their recognition & acknowledgement. We cheered noisily on our side of the Veil & shook our wings at every triumph. We pushed extra hard if you suffered from perceiving lack and sometimes it was hard to make ourselves heard. We put color in your path if it all went gray on you. We sent tokens & songs & flowers & clouds, & we kept a careful watch of your efforts at loving.

It was never only me, Child, it was always “us” creating in harmony for you. Look at what you have valued to carry with you this far: seashells & pictures, stones & memories, feelings, sweet dreams. We fastened fins to your feet & water wings to your freckled shoulders & we helped you fashion that tiny point on your head to push you through the water faster.

We’ve pulled & pushed & propelled you forward. We are so excited to see you approaching that “farther shore.” Not for nothing do the old songs call life crossing the River Jordan, boating the River Styx, parting the mighty waters… You’re not dry yet, but we are waiting with warmed towels & hot tea!

So keep it up, dearest, most blessed, you’re the Vanguard of our earthly plans in the earthly plane. Stay oriented to the stars you so stubbornly sleep through, being a creature of morning, indeed.

We wait, each time you sleep, to see you pop into our reality once more. You regale us with tales of 3D life & your keen observations thereof. And we so enjoy these. That’s the reason you agreed to go – to find new stories. Did you know? That was the reason we let you go, to bring them back to us in your ineffable style & chuckling delivery. And, darlin’, never doubt that you do make us laugh!

There’s a bunch of us here who wait for your nightly appearances. We [figuratively] prepare big bowls of popcorn & plot your arrival trajectory, folding our wings up tightly so we can all fit in the room. We set the stage & wait for your stories of shipwrecks & triumphs. Mostly of late, you bring joy & delight & rueful observations. When we laugh, you find feathers!

You season our wisdom. You shake off physical life like a dog does water, & your tales of beginnings & endings bring the Mystery up close &  personal. We trust you enough now to just let you swim around at will & encourage you forward, always, always, always.

We watched & blessed the schools of others you swim with. When needed, we’ve helped you to separate from some to both their bereavement & discovery of freedom, same as you. You see these situations as changes of tide & circumstance & eventually as a flow of new opportunities for developing strength & well-being.

You surprise us still, you’re living the rainbow. You break the surface so frequently now as laughter lifts you from weather wars & crazed scenarios seeking to keep you under. Don’t believe in these, Carol, but believe forever in us, for you are our brave explorer, diving into a reality we never suspected.

We lift you in loving energy, a Gulf Stream of bubbles of grace. You have the navigation part in hand, a clear compass & barrels of fresh water to tap for your flow.

Don’t ever doubt us. We won’t fail to hold you up. And tho you may think it at times, you have no idea how long is forever. It’s not beyond our skills to keep candles alight underwater, so watch for these. Remember, every laugh is another match struck to light one. Your tidal lock is to us & our fix on you never wavers or loses the strength inherent in unconditional love. You are limitless as we knew you would be.

We’re kind of breathless for each installment. Popcorn’s in the popper, butter melting on the stove, fresh cheese by the grater. Our love is all we have & we offer it all to you,

Take this joy while it’s offered & sing Hosanna to your ocean. Permit yourself to flourish. You’ve mastered the dark now. As the shore awaits you, so do we!