I cannot write you into my life again
It seems two month’s passing does not erase
A year of your hands
‘pon the hills & valleys,
The intimate creases of me
Yet I’ve faith in forgetfulness
That time creates
I have hope in the creation of new
With clarity for us both.
It won’t ever set straight
The doglegged path we shared
Nor lose (loose?) us ‘pon that way
You are a song below the waterfall of my being
Where branches & elbows of trees
Are washed clean, where wet leaves gather,
A snag & rustle of underbrush
Where I hoped to pass silently unobserved.
Where I cannot swim nor linger in sunlight.
I miss you, LoveMan,
My body misses the bits of you I encompassed
My mind straddles you as my legs could not…
My heart encompasses what hands could not hold.
I opened to you in intimacy,
Gentle & giving
Until it turned opposite
To awakening & remembrance
I opted for the lessons of in-between
Where you are not:
The days when lonely is a four-letter word.
I finger these memories to frayed silk
Tying them with blessing
To toss upon the waters.
I walk once more bottled & contain’d
No longer the beauty of your addled regard
But the scour of my holy self,
The pale scourge of longing
In substitute for fulsome remedy,
That wholeness of your temporary regard
I wish you love
With all the power of a woman
I miss you like midnight with a moon upon its chest
As the wakefulness of longing closes my eyes
Come love again!
Come fitting the seas of our bodies together
The mingling guilt
Glistening on beaches of touch
Come the opening of limbs!
Over lives & all betweens
Come that special smile of love’s regard
That faint warmth kindling to full-throat heat
That words burn into moan
The dragons of desire heavy-limbed on waking.
You do not understand:
I cannot continue
Sex on Mondays only
Nary a hand-hold beyond
Not enough days of too many miles
Unable to speak, or gaze, or kiss,
An open blade I handled, careless
It might cut both ways.
You are a desert I crossed in hope of moisture
An oasis turned mirage
Where only imagination grows.
We were lucky of our time together
But guilty of the clocks meting it
I stand over an open grave
This was not my life: to
Have a faithful, capable love
Wherein I stood encircled, & safe
I fingered the horizon with car keys in hand
Not matched, not meshed
People like me cannot hold a static pattern.
Unbalanced as I am in my headlong rush at life
Caught up in the love of many
Over intimacy of one
Were you to ask if I could have it any other way
I’d be forced to the honesty of looking away.
An uncertain future must compensate
The flickering present
I am no gift to glory:
A rusty hinge on a gate to a weedy garden
Wherein one blossom of penetrating color –
A forget-me-not you will always twirl
In the hesitations of your mind.
I so miss being beautiful for you!
And if I write enough of words
A landslide or an eruption of language
Will you (can you) forgive me?
I am the constancy of change
Of color, a fragrance caught downwind
A vibrance passing by
I am made for Make Believe as sure as
Any other theatre of life
Where fantastic is commonplace.
I play an endgame where laughter is the only closure.
A vast riparian slash
Where water runs swift & sure
Displacing earth to deepen itself.
Almost afraid of love, now, though ginger with desire
I dare not live in the unreality that I am whole
I have my little habits, my great disparity of beliefs
Around which gather & garner tiny stalks:
I believe I can be loved
The way I love the sky being blue
Remote & beautiful
Filling with blazing stars at dusk.
I am an apprehension of the unreserved
In the realm of the unredeemed
Gatherer of words of smoke.
Didn’t I warn you enough, my love?
Didn’t I chafe your limbs to life
Filling your sight a spell?
Will you always see me in the
Gingham of old desire?
Could we best entwine
As man & woman?
Could I satisfy you to stay
And live with me
For a time when all is beautiful?
I am no slim willow bending in winds from your passage
I captured you for a bit, with only a wish in my hand.
You fold your arms, holding yourself in
Keeping me out of your heart.
I understand protection – this you can believe!
I get it good.
I yearn to tap the power held in seal (in soul)
To have you open, enfolding me instead.
Was I cruel to wish to see you?
Did I whet a dry drive
With conversation yet unsaid?
Have you any words for me at all?
You leave me to my imagination:
That you feel…
I know you to be cautious of my exuberance
I like to think that had we met in moister times…
Just when I think I can do this –
Limit myself to love on Mondays
A nova lights within & I understand I am timeless,
A flicker of answer in a time of steady questions.
I cannot love you except in the surprise of your loving-back.
I am one to choose firelight over the sun.
Were we free to race the fields
And laugh out loud
To share the path, to dart among the trees
Seeking new realms to bed within
I might could love you more than mem’ry alone
I might could make a prayer
We say in churches, a name for the unborn,
I might could –
I had to see you once more
To seek out common language
To hope for love in your regard.
I’m so weak when I’m not strong, it’s comical!
The house I built of straw in heavy winds…
A conscience free of sin
Has little left but itself..
That still, small voice
When I cry for that open vista of passion
The taste of your breath
Your eyes closed in kiss
The tumble after the climb
And all the butterflies between.