The problem is memory, for me. Nah, not that I do not recall, but that what I do recall still carries the same charge. If evil aliens are feeding off my energy loosh, this entitles them to revisit favorite bad or hard times, the best times I cultivated anger or unhappiness. The trauma memories seem revisited more than the joyous ones.

For example, my daughter sent me a wedding photo of me. I did not even recall it. I had to look carefully at the woman – me – at her dress, her smile, her hair. The only feeling I got from it was how young I looked. I didn’t feel me  smiling into the camera, or smooching this new husband. I do not recall any feelings or emotions around that marriage other than frustration. I recall no conversations, no encounters, no folded laundry or vacuumed floors. I do recall that we had a boldly patterned blue couch with paisley orange pillows. We had shelves from that Scandinavian store that my husband put up on the wall in my designed pattern which placed them around a painting. I vaguely remember hours of taping music on a reel-to-reel … my hobby.

But the list of memories files down to a single point, that he joked “insanity” ran in my family when our kid was making a “heredity health list” for school years later.

My second marriage brings me to emotional damage for both of us as disagreements grew stronger, as my unhappiness about myself led to physical problems which bled into divorce just a couple of years after the complete hysterectomy the docs said I needed.

I think I snuck in with some protection around me; but I can see where I’ve been short-changed lifelong by inability to think with my head when it came to relationships. I see now I could have counseled out irregularities in these had I had just a bit more tolerance, understanding & maturity. How many mistakes did I make with a careless stroke when paying attention would have mooted out their effects? How many times have I said, “Well, too late now.” about imperfect situations which I was assured would not happen in a “happy marriage.”

My happily ever after soured with each mistake, each error of timing or restraint. I could not tell you much about what happened. But I remember we had an extra-long couch. And he never fixed the cabinets in the kitchen. (What is it with couches?)

I’m not saying I’m possessed. I am saying if I’d had understanding, an education about what might or could happen, an exposure to a parental married couple. Mom divorced Dad early in my life. But I was bright, quick & beautiful. The husbands were flawed – not for real, but for me. The result of which is I am & have been alone a longer time that I was ever married although married three times.

And there’s even emotion tied up around this. To write facts only is so dry & lacking: married seven years, nine years, etc. Lived in Nashville & Upper Darby, etc. I was out of control emotionally. What tripped those triggers?

The consensus I came to as I aged was I was simply too young to handle my own life. Why did I not grow into my whole self? I was redirected towards smoky addictions, to making my way in the work world where I felt “valued.” I was not guided to family values of my own. I simply had no frame of reference. I was not any kind of competent parent for the same reason – I wasn’t “parented,” I was controlled as a child. Few of my own decisions were honored or amusing & were quickly stifled in favor of what Mom thought/knew I should do in the moments. Later, it was the Church in control of all else.

If every memory brings up concomitant emotion & this is a product of DNA tinkering by beings that feed on emotion, they got a lifetime guarantee with me.

So, perhaps aging has brought me to this place where I can consciously consider my feelings about situations. It does not stop the feelings. It has given me a level of experience & some knowledge by observation (which is how humans & other species learn). This allows me discernment about how much attention I pay to these situations.

Each day I have the opportunity to be aware of thoughts & encounter/re-counter these. Daily I can strip away the clingfilm emotions they’re wrapped in. I understand now I am the product of my whole life & that was tilted by so much offered on terms of keeping me straight.

It’s wonderful to have this overview now. I like to think any installed implants are countered by the Light now available to us all. Or maybe they’ve just sputtered to a halt & spin their little gears without engaging the emotional body to spark prior responses. It’s so much calmer! And also less permissive of being totally alive as in experiencing this wonderful world in the ways I might have, had I known this so much earlier.

Be loved, beloved. Examine, don’t react. Consider without overlay of prior “stuff” to gray out the observations.

Bring it on, bring it back, bring it to fruition. But carry on!

Love, Carol