Just when I think I have made a positive imprint, I find ‘tis not so. A relationship can trigger me, one email set me to firing full throttle. It has been a “scare” at times how much anger rises, an unexpected eructation – forcing gravity up – volcanic – my closest word is tripwire. I’m paying attention as I go. However, I need to power that with a lot more intention.
(Remember how I said it feels like someone is rifling through my memories? Experiencing my experiences, tugging now-me along for the revisit? Remember how I thought it might be my life passing by? Studying up for my Life Review?)
I could not be now who I was in any of these snapshots tossed in front of consciousness. I have forged my own memories & ideas I took from them, or maybe with them. The moments when I wanted to be another ride the farther side of the merry-go-round in a tidal lock.
M. batted away ideas like cats do yarn balls… especially if they involved improvement. His standstill propelled me into action. He was enjoying his entropy & I could no longer bear witness to his severe “weltschmerz” (world-weariness).
E. & I paralleled for a time & he gave me [of his] life. A most beautiful & timely surrender on both sides. For all I knew, I knew less then than now.
D. & I met too early & me too bedazzled. We were there for Ellen.
It turned out the one I married is me. Was that why I ate all that cake for a decade?
Going fearless is going stealth. You turn sideways & slip into universe to disappear.
I stand today at the intersection of Ready/OrNot.
I cannot shatter a mirror & not be cut passing through. What I do with the wound is up to me. I bow my head with the responsibility as the radio sings “have mercy.”