Decisions

I have come to another crossroads. I recognize this one too. Of course, traveling the same roads for so long makes each crossroad uniquely memorable. I don’t remember much of my life, but my perceptions were not & still are not standard.

I have given much to corporations (when these are called lifeless or soul-less, this takes no consideration of the people who occupy the space.) There has always been authority in my life – a know-so-much-better. Now I flirt with that & achieve it at times. Now that I’m at the Zen part of the mind – that step I climbed so hard to attain, struggled with really. Still struggling as that part says “judge not.” Usually right after the instantaneous response of “judgment accomplished.”

My past surfaces unexpectedly, like finding a specific seashell on the beach, maybe the black & white one, looks like dipped-in-ink. And finding another right after. Understanding the Universe has no other desire than to please me & that desire serves both in Beauty. It is as much pleasure to give as to receive. I watch as Youniverse continuously offers me an opportunity to wish & watch & wait for fulfillment. Youniverse outdoes itself every day.

I want to choose the resting phase. I want to be lazy, to get comfortable walking, to catch up, keep up effortlessly. I want that “effortless effort” mojo all over me. I want to be shown the way, led by the hand to life & lifted into it like a baby handed into a carriage.

On the one hand, I have wanted to take up a leadership spot. On the other, I want to (wah-wah) have my own way, sit down, eat chips & think about going to the beach.

I am of an age where I want to express & expose what I know. I don’t want to deal with any consequences or fallout. I like smooth sailing. I like routine. I don’t want to have to re-summon up the energy it takes to harness up every morning. I like to be able to set aside moments.

I love what my job provides: my gorgeous view, my “catbird” seat, my memory tested daily. I love knowledge & will mop it up like a dry cloth absorbs water.

I need to become Switzerland, difficult for me with my Mediterranean core. I need to step back three at times, immediately see the others’ reactions & honor them while holding mine in balance with them in that exact instant. For everyone, what is needed most is to hold the space where others can be themselves (until I can get my turn, of course. ) I am not permitted to create much of that space, or am I?

With the right leadership, I can move forward into that Tunnel of Prayer once again. It is familiar but I feel I failed it once. I have more respect now as I see it for the intensity it is, for the formidable power of prayer in a time of heightened frequency. At one time I wanted prayer to define me while now I only want to define prayer for myself & others. I want to reach up a level to redefine myself & not have it be for how I might think others perceive me.

How many Paths to Mastery have I declined? Is this true entropy or some programmed DNA (unnatural) to hold me back? Once I looked for “blocks” to have released & was told they will release when you are ready to love whatever it is they block.

Am I there yet?