Take your hands off my philosophy
What do you care if I cannot fall in love with myself anymore?
What can it be to you how alone a human stands when her life transits to Mars?
When all turns red as a tomato on the shelf where it freezes, where the skin thins to tissue
As the center hardens to rock?
What did I care that your life has turned into a radio
Broadcasting 24/7, unheard in a tin room?
I may never have been what you think I was
That good little Catholic kid from New York Avenue
Growing up in a town as far from New York as geography can take you
What about that skinny kid
A macaroni child with a lazy eye
Uncomfortable with focus, never knowing where to look?
Wearing Buster Browns with corded laces
A blue serge uniform covering bony knees
Chapped lips, always in reach of a book about horses?
Listening to life like a mouse for a cat’s paw
Watching for light not of rods and cones shifting
But divinity descending.
I can take my heart & bang it on a table now. No harm. No foul.
No burning houses with smoking windows to toss it through
It wouldn’t blaze anymore, having become ironwood & char
Unfeeling, unemotional, squeezed out with a rasp.
No matter. I was likely never who I thought I was, yeh?
I brought the best of me to the altar for sacrifice
After the light in the room changed
I found all was turned inside out
And there was nothing inside to pull from
No strength, no love, no shy violet water.
So I can toss it around, a medicine heart
Too heavy to play, too common to breathe
Too full to give away
Too empty to love.
Let’s find something else to do, okay?
Let’s find an afternoon we don’t have to pay for with blood
With dis-chord, let’s paint this Room of the
Unknown Soulmate some other color.
I’m so tired of empty.
Pray me into life: let the sunset squire me to beauty
Unbeknownst to others
Visited by my jaded eyes
Blurred with reading-tears
Coffee cup of empty
Guilt & sorrow my two most constant companions
A new lightbulb in a house afraid of an electric bill
I am naked as an undressed manikin
Featureless as unformed clay
Full of metaphor & simile, meta-for & similar
In the land of the unique.
Yesterday at this time, I was laughing.
Back when I felt important in the world
When I felt like someone wanted me to smile
Like it would be a devastation should I not
Back before the world chained the angel in me
To words I decorate with a pen
Too much cliché does a body no good
I know this is an unoriginal thought
But must voice it, nonetheless.
There was never anyone who loved me but God
And God has to love everybody, just because.
Listen to me! The broad devourer of having no past
Of never believing much while convinced of it all!
I can wear my shoes on the couch now
No one corrects me.
I can avow a sunset for its beauty
While whispering of dawn to come.
What would I give to not be lonely
To be out of this moment where all feels “emptified”?
Where would I walk were I following my heart?
The dream a wish created vanishes with the color from a sky
I have closed my blinds against.
It is so much safer in the dark.
These words run out ahead, a parallel track
I huffnpuff along, steam rising from my head
Looking down for pennies on the track.
I would not see the angel until I walked into his robes
Nor feel him until the wings wrapt ‘round
Not know of my sorrow til he gave me a handkerchief
I want no direction without holding that leading hand
A little cold from flying…a little coarse from picking off sins
But landed in time to unfold me from my fear,
Scraping with a pearl fingernail at these old scars
Bleeding into tomorrow, staining the day.
The wound clears &, clean, I find a ring of bright new hope
To dance within.
So this is my talent: to wring words from rocks sun-dry & dusty
This world I strive to escape by pulling on a cloak of poetry
Hand-woven, soft & muted of dove-grey
Swirling around the rainsoft boots
I have kicked my life down the road
Now I need to go looking for it again.